"When I contracted HIV I was 3 years sober from alcohol and drugs. Due to my addictive nature, I was using sex as a way to fix feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem. It seemingly helped and the riskier it was, the better I felt. I was in a codependent relationship at the time with an active meth user who I was unaware was poz. Looking back, I should have known he was, but I never asked. Screening my sex partners wasn't very important to me because the narrative that the gay cis white male culture taught me was being black and gay means you're not sexually equal to them. Eventually it caught up to me and in 2012 I tested positive for HIV. I'm honestly not sure whom I got it from. It could have been the guy I was seeing or someone I had condomless sex with. I don't believe the 'who' or 'when' really matters. It just happened.
Growing up as a preacher’s kid, when my dad suspected me of being gay, he told me that I was going to die of AIDS and go to hell, so I wanted to start medication immediately. I didn't want him to be right. In the beginning I was prescribed 3 pills. Currently I just take 1. It took a few years to become comfortable with my diagnosis. I went through a long period of depression, guilt, self-hate and anxiety. I had to do a great deal of emotional work to feel better.
I believe my dating life has been forever changed due to my diagnosis. Attempting to navigate sex and dating with HIV has been challenging. When I was first diagnosed, I thought I was going to be alone forever. Thankfully I don't feel that way anymore, though I can still regress to those thoughts at times. Disclosing has become easier and if I'm rejected because I'm poz, I don't give it much thought unless I decide to educate the person. It has added to my list of insecurities however. Not only am I gay, I'm also black, a recovering alcoholic with mental health issues, a former cutter, who now is HIV+. It's important for me to have support from friends and keep myself surrounded by people who love me and who remind me that I have worth.
When more and more people began to learn about PrEP and take it, it took some of the pressure off of disclosing my status. I believe it finally brought up a reason for those who were HIV- to educate themselves. Prior to PrEP, most HIV- people weren't concerned about HIV, but PrEP was something that concerned them, so it peaked their interest. Things are still far from perfect in terms of destigmatizing HIV, and PrEP has had a stigma of its own, but I believe it's slowly going in the right direction."
Eric, 32, undetectable. Harlem, NY. HIV Tester and Counselor helping gay/bi male youth