"I couldn't tell you the exact day or even the name of the guy that gave it to me; at the time it wasn't an experience I wanted to remember. It was a lonely night scrolling on Scruff when a hot younger guy hit me up to parTy... I wanted to. It had been years since I had smoked meth, I wanted that feeling, I wanted to get off and I knew that I could handle the low that would come after. He came over. It was a good time; we smoked, we talked, laughed and had sex for hours. With meth there is always this feeling unfulfilled and anything great at the time is then unremarkable shit after. This time was no exception. Had I not found out later I was positive because of this night, I wouldn't have remembered it at all. He didn't know he was HIV positive or we didn't talk about it. I was diagnosed, I knew I would be ok, I wasn’t angry and I can't regret what I did. What scares me is the thought of spreading the virus to someone I care about.
Seeing my doctor every 3 months as a result of being positive was a big change. Before I would get tested and stuff fairly regularly but seeing a doctor was the last thing I wanted to do. I feel like I have really taken control of my health, NY State has amazing resources available to those infected with HIV. Becoming HIV actually made moving to NY worry free. GMHC offered to help with housing, insurance and finding a job and care if I needed it. Having this support has really touched me. Just switched to Genvoya from a two-pill treatment. I have been positive for a year and a half and have been undetectable for almost a year now.
I am now finding that being on PrEP is more of the standard for guys. Sometimes I feel embarrassed that I wasn't on PrEP, my life would be completely different. So now I don't owe it just to myself to be responsible with my treatment, I owe anyone I care about and am intimate with. There is this self-assurance that comes with not having an option. It is how it is."
Sam, 29, undetectable. Brooklyn, NY. Industrial designer for an electronics company