"It was the beginning of the semester, the weather turning. I figured it was just another sinus infection but when I went to the doctor nobody could figure it out. You're just sick, they said, sleep it off. I'd recently moved from Tennessee to Brooklyn, and it was about to be my second year teaching Creative Writing at a college in the city. I was interested in getting on PrEP and now seemed like as good a time as any. They have to screen you first, to be sure of your status. I let them take my blood, all routine. They told me very simply that same day that I was positive and did I know and I said I didn't. The counselor they connected me with said probably you picked it up a while ago and that time you got sick was your body's first immune system shock. Have you had many partners in the past six months they asked and I said yes. Do you know about how many and I said no. I was never any more or less careful than I thought any of my partners were. I guess I took most of them at their word, and they did the same for me. If I try to trace it back, not for want of anyone to blame, but just to guess at the timeframe, I honestly couldn't say for sure was it this weekend or that. One day it just found me.
I'm on a once-daily two-pill combination of Tivicay and Descovy. I managed to get set up with ADAP, which has made that medication available to me at no cost, which is maybe the most reassuring part of the whole thing so far.
I'm kicking the smoking thing. That one's been a long time coming. Also going to therapy for the first time in my life. I'm a product of the conservative Christian South, and growing up a queer "creative type" I was constantly reminded that emotional/mental problems weren't real problems. You got a roof over your head, dontcha? You got food to eat? God will provide the rest. Toughen up. Just deal with it. That kind of thing. In a way, this status change has opened a door into a whole house of self-care that I never allowed myself access to. In a way, for that anyway, I'm grateful.
I think PrEP is really wonderful, and genuinely allows folks to be much more in command of their sexuality. That said, it's still tricky. There still has to be a conversation every time, every encounter. And for whatever reason (which was certainly true for me for a while) people aren't always comfortable being honest about their own self-care. I think a lot of that has to do with the inherent stigma left over from outdated terminology like "clean" or "disease free." You just have to hope that if we change the language we use we can also change our relationship to this component of our sexuality."
Constantine, 25, undetectable. Brooklyn, NY. Teaching English and Creative Writing at college level.